Hello, My Name is Strong Light

I love researching the meanings of names, and long before I wrote my first story, I purchased my first book of baby names at a "friends of" book store, where everything was a nickel. I think I was nine years old.

My name means Strong Light, rooting back to the names Mae and Helen. As I have written stories, experienced life, and met others with names stemming from the same root, I have gained a sense of wonder that so much interpretation gets lumped into names, and that the actual personality of the individual can be at such apparent odds to their name, and so diverse from one bearer to the next.

Much of my life, I think it would be safe to say all of my life, I have been strong-willed, but only recently have I learned any sense of strength in which I myself can believe. My mother always interpreted "light" to mean truth; and, certainly, I have exercised a high insistence on truth in others, truth in relationships, and justice; but, again, only recently have I begun to feel that I am, at last, being truthful with myself.

Many months have passed since my last posting to this blog, and it was not through oversight or forgetfulness. I thought of it most days, but something happened just prior to that; some things, actually. It would be fair to say an entire field of lights in my personal universe either exploded, or just went out, all in one moment. My last was a summary of what positive I could take from the experience, but it in no way captures the many conclusions and new vistas that were arrived at.

Most notably, I am out of the Perfection and PR business. You may chuckle, it seems so trite, you know; but wait, this runs deep. You already know what it is, I don't even have to reference the magazines, talk-shows, self-help best sellers, and so on for you to know what I am talking about; it's just that the chuckle and the critical thought is all part of the same package deal of our civilization. It's obligatory, and I forgive you, because I don't have to invest my energies into making sure you think I have all my shit together, or to assure you, repeatedly, that I don't, so that we can strike some sort of rapport over our mutually human condition.

Neither do I feel called upon to go on about the merits that make a sound and happy marriage or friendship; which, before my springtime meltdown, I did. You know, because I felt strongly about it, and had so much light to shed on the subject.

What I have gained is insight into myself, and how my name is yet accurate. My Light could be likened to my attention bandwidth, my Strength to its level of intensity. My attention encompasses my love for others, my interests, curiosities and concerns, and my hunger for insight into others' lives. I was looking, or shining in one direction of darkness so intently, and for so long, soul dilated so as to catch the least glimmer of something, or perhaps someone, so long ago departed that I finally had to conclude not only had it gone, but it had also forgotten I was there, waiting for its return. That light that had propped me up for so long at last burned out.

It was dark, and lonely, and raw for months. But as my sight adjusted, I found beautiful things had been beside me all along, and now relieved of my fixed gaze, I could shine upon them and find my dreams reflected in the present. And so, with only occasional discomforts, I am shedding the persona which I have dubbed Lady High Beams, and I offer my chagrin to anyone I have blinded in the past with my attentions.

I am yet strong, but I am learning to blink, and to rest and look away from others, to grant them peace from my meddling mind.

My daughter was named for me, but she is Light Strong. I think it means she out-watts me by several football stadium light sets. I have to squint when she wants something from me, even though it is a delight to have her about.

In case you were wondering, I do not believe Light should be interpreted to mean truth. That little girl can lie her ass off; and so can I. History, both popular and personal, is littered with the "Helens" who specialized in starting wars with their "Light", and those who have aided and healed through its use.

It is my hope to grow more practiced in the efficacious use of light, strong or otherwise. It can be so disheartening to find one has been shining on nothing, the whole while convinced of a something, and yet linger on, turning back to look and see if it came out when one turned away.

Empty. It was empty all along, and now having resolved that with certainty, I turn my attention only slightly, and can find that my life is full, and I am yet strong and light.



www.MeganCreel.com